Navigating Forgiveness: When Reconciliation Becomes Dangerous

Let’s talk about a question I get all the time: “If I forgive someone… does that mean I have to reconcile with them?”

Forgiveness is vertical. It’s between you and God.

Jesus commands us to forgive (Matthew 6:14–15) and to pray for those who mistreat us (Matthew 5:44).

He never commands us to stay in harm’s way.

Reconciliation is horizontal—and it requires repentance, safety, and truth on both sides. If those aren’t present, reconciliation isn’t restoration… it’s self-destruction.

I know this because my family has lived it. I have a sibling who put my parents and me through decades of chaos—poor choices, addiction, manipulation, and a pattern of character that left scars on all of us.

We didn’t cut ties because his life was constantly imploding. We cut ties because his constant implosions were detonating inside ours.

One day he crossed a line—hateful, insidious, and harmful enough that I had to call law enforcement. I was ready to send my own brother to jail.

And afterward? He twisted grace like a weapon.: “If you all don’t let me back in, you’re not forgiving. You’re fake Christians.”

Some people become experts at turning your faith into their loophole.

So we faced an impossible choice: Reconcile—and open the door to more abuse. Or forgive him, genuinely pray for his healing… but refuse access to our lives.

We chose protection. And it still took me nearly two years to forgive him fully. Not to excuse him—but to keep my own heart from hardening.

Forgiveness changed me. It freed me. That vertical work with God softened my spirit.

But reconciliation? There’s no repentance. No safety. No fruit of transformation (Matthew 7:17).

And God does not call us to submit ourselves to unrepentant harm.

You may be living your own version of this story. And maybe you’ve been manipulated to doubt your pain, your discernment, or even your faith.

If you wrestle with forgiveness vs. reconciliation—good. Wrestling is evidence of an active, honest faith.

Let God shape your heart with both love and wisdom.

And remember this: Forgiveness sets you free. Reconciliation requires change. Only one of those is commanded.